The beginning of something is always exciting. It is full of life, opportunity, hope, and an unstoppable momentum. But when it comes to an end, the emotions are always mixed because there is reflection, bittersweetness, and a constant wondering of the what-if it had a different outcome. When I had to make the decision to close GOAT, it was a horrible feeling. Years of absolute grinding coming to an end and I had the thought that maybe the light was just around the next corner. Had I put in enough work? What actually went wrong? Was I good enough? Sometimes, the headwinds are just too great to overcome.

I've taken the past few weeks through the holidays to reflect on the journey of building a startup and my place in all of it. If i learned anything from being a founder, it is to allow the initial moment pass, allow the thoughts to settle, then reflect. Of course, journaling is something that I do every single day, continue to do, and found to be the most important practice throughout this entire journey. In that light, this is my unfiltered stream of consciousness after taking the time I needed.

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Ever since I was young, I thought the idea of being a CEO was incredible. Not for the title or the fame, but the ability to make an impact on the world. My superheroes have been the pioneers that risked it all to do something great. I still have a copy of the Wall Street Journal from the day Steve Jobs passed away. I had this idea to build a media company that would be different. I wanted to build a media company that didn't rely on traditional advertising, that didn't have narratives driven by others, and, most importantly, was a place for positivity. While starting with sustainability, I believe that there are GOATs everywhere in this world. They are the people that bring a light to a community, that change lives through thoughtful, heart-driven actions. I have always wanted to use my skillset of storytelling with a camera to elevate those unsung heroes. I've been lucky enough to get to know a lot of people throughout my career from many different backgrounds because part of my job is to actually get to know people. The common thread that has come to the surface is that we are all just trying to make it in this world. We are pursuing fulfillment in whatever way we can to our internal self, and I truly believe that we all want a better life for those around us. Sustainable GOAT gave me the platform and the opportunity to have those conversations in a real, authentic way. I'll never forget my first podcast that I recorded, which was a full year before the first podcast was actually released. I didn't put it out because I wasn't entirely sure the world would want to listen to it. I sat on the floor in my living room, microphone on the coffee table, Zoom open during a pandemic, and just let my curiosity take over. I remember when I stopped the recording, I was energized, it was fulfilling to hear the story of another person that was chasing what they believed in. That moment, that thought that if we can celebrate those getting after it, became the ethos of the brand in a very organic way.

One of the things that I have been most grateful for throughout this has been the people that I have met along the way. Never in a million years did I think that I would get the opportunity to not just talk to those superheroes about what they were pursuing, but to consider many of them friends. I also couldn't have anticipated creating films of some of the most world-changing technologies of our time. I will still maintain that we are living through one of the most exciting times in human history and to be able to document it was a true gift. I'll never forget that when I started my career, with a Canon 5D Markiii (DSLR camera), all I wanted to do was tell stories that millions of people would get to see. Well, I accomplished that. After one year, over 250 million people had seen an episode of a series that I shot, edited, and produced. One day, I'll share the full story of the road trip that my family and I joke was "Type 2 fun" and that I didn't even have enough gas money to get home. The editing sessions were often between the hours of 11pm-5am with frequent all nighters, and the fact that none of it would have been possible without the support of people that I am forever grateful for (you know who you are). The ironic thing is, I still have not seen it playing anywhere. I have received photos, videos, and messages from many that have seen it. There was even an episode where the founder's parents got to see it playing in public, which was one of the coolest stories to hear. As much as I think it would be kind of cool to see it, I like the fact that it is just out there. I've been at events where my films have played and been thanked when it plays and it has been the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE feeling for me. I totally understand why directors don't like to go to movie premieres. I just want to make the thing and inspire other people.

When the closing of GOAT came, it was mixed emotions. If you had talked to me a year before, I would have considered it a failure. But today, I consider it a success. The one thing that you can't anticipate as a founder is timing. The best business model, the best people, the best everything can always be crushed by the timing. This is one of the biggest shifts in media in generations. I equate it to when TV dethroned radio. It is a shift that I don't think will happen again in my lifetime in such a way. Or, if it does happen again, I will most likely be too old to build something. It is true that moments like this present tremendous opportunity. The world's greatest companies were usually created in times of shifts because there is the chance to grab the real estate associated with the sector it is operating in. However, that moment is often accompanied by uncertainty and increased risk. While media was being upended in the past few years, it has also been one of the most difficult times to raise capital. This is one of the main parts of being a CEO that is often not talked about. If you are building a business model that needs investment, half of your job (if not more) is raising capital. I think frequently about the story of Sisyphus and that it was a similar environment in media, the venture capital/fundraising space, and sustainability. Put all of those together, it was a pretty monumental task. I still think that we could have had a company of great significance and totally shifted the way media is created, distributed, and paid for. However, the stars simply didn't align. And that was probably one of the best lessons through it all. All of my life, I have believed that more effort, more sacrifice, and outworking the competition can lead to success. And while I believe that to be true in a lot of ways, there are factors beyond our control that can dictate the outcome. Despite this realization, it didn't remove the pain associated with actually closing the company. After the decision was made and things were set into motion, I went on many runs through the forest trying to solve the problem thinking that maybe one tweak would make all the difference, maybe there was something I was missing, if one domino toppled it would all work out. But as I continued to run, I began to realize that every single lever that could have been pulled was pulled, every ounce of my effort had been put into it, and this was not a reflection of me. If you are a founder with these thoughts, the only thing you can be certain of is that you gave it absolutely everything. And that is all that matters. The success or failure of an organization does not dictate the value of the self, but is merely a reflection of how that effort fit into the bigger puzzle of the world.

The other thing that I did was spent time in the backyard, clearing out a lot of the fallen branches and prepping a garden. I have always wanted to plant a garden since I was a kid, I finally have that opportunity. Is it a business? Absolutely not. This is just for me. But one of the most beautiful things began to happen as I walked back and forth with the wheelbarrow, raked, and shoveled: I was taking something that had died and gave it new life. The yard waste becomes compost, the compost feeds the soil, and the soil, with some attention and love, grows something new. I have always recognized the value of nature to our own wellbeing but this was something different. It is the recognition that death, whether it be a plant, a company, or even a family member, is transformative. It is not to be feared, but embraced because it is also the recognition of the fragility of our own lives and that through loss can come rebirth and growth. The benefits I have received from it, even in a short period of time, has been truly significant. The garden relies on me, and I rely on the garden. There is a symbiotic relationship that is completely unavoidable. And it is a subtle reminder that we are only part of the bigger whole.

So what is next? I'm not quite sure, and that is ok. I have always been the type to go headfirst 110% into something that I believe is right. I put on the blinders and I just get after it, basically willing it to happen and to overcome any hurdle that lies in the way. While it is a great quality to have, it also comes with its disadvantages. Much like the garden, there is only so much effort that can be put into something that is a symbiotic relationship. I have value to bring to the world around me and plenty of work ethic, but it is also the trust that it will naturally take its course and I don't always have to be in the driver's seat. During the insanely stressful times at GOAT, especially in the thick of it, it feels like being in a river that is actually a rapid. The shore is the decision to step to the side, downstream feels too easy, so the only way is upstream. But I had this realization that if you are in the middle of it, the uncertainty of the upstream and the downstream are equal. We can fight upstream to get a mile and see what's around the bend, or we can ride it downstream a mile to an equally uncertain outcome around the next bend. So why fight it? I certainly always did. I think that we are taught at a young age that it must be difficult to be worth it. It is the typical hero's journey of the greatest stories of our time. We must overcome the greatest struggles in order to accomplish our goals. But what they don't mention is what struggle that is. It doesn't necessarily have to be external. In fact, that hero's journey is internal. We must overcome the struggles within ourselves that prevent us from realizing our greatest potential. While I found some pretty monumental external struggles throughout the journey of GOAT, the biggest struggle was within myself.

I have been looking at how I have changed as a result of this journey and I don't think that anything else could have done it in the same way. While I am not lining up to do it again, I wouldn't change it for anything. It was difficult, it was painful, it was rewarding. It brought the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and challenged me in ways that I didn't think I could be challenged. It forced me to take on my deepest fears within myself because the only way forward was to face them. And I am a better person as a result. Along the way, each person and interaction impacted my life. I learned from those around me, learned from every story that was shared, and have memories that I will carry with me forever. A failure? No way. All I can say at the end of all of this is, "Thank you, GOAT, for everything."